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Do-Over

By April 13, 2020No Comments

Second Time’s the Charm

If you had the ‘pleasure’ of reading the rant post that I took down, I apologize for the tone. Biting? oui. Acerbic? si. Dickish? Ja. Chalk full of valid observations that were elucidated in a way that was more curmudgeonly than logical and almost seemed as if I’d set out to purposely hurt instead of educate or empathize? I would have to say yes, but that’s just me, yo, ich.

Truth is, it wasn’t so much a case of it’s not what you said it’s how you said it. It was very much what was in the essence of the post. And how it was said. That was a big one.

I’ll turn the bammer back on the shooter now.

The post that I’d written came off as very much a holier-than-thou piece, which was light-years from my intention. I suppose in the effort to parody or create a satirical tone, it very much exposed some beefs and resentments that I had thought to be sublimated through writing. Also, I forget that the tone in my head, and in the written version, comes out very different than face to face. Italics can only carry so much on their slanted shoulders.

My friends and those around me have diverse and deep opinions that often contradict my own. This is the best thing about having an array of cohorts with their own unique points of view. Something that I wasn’t aware that I lacked, missed, was the insightfulness of other people.

One thing that this lack of gregariousness seems to cause me to do is (somehow) retire deeper into my own skullet. This is may be advantageous for the sake of crafting tales and allowing me time to dig further into a plot or storyline to flesh it out; as my time does not have to be compartmentalized into the other necessary duties that tear me away from the recesses of my own brain. The opposite side-effect is that I am left alone, with certain thoughts, without the ability to be told they’re too negative or acidic or plum crazy. Those best-kept-to-myself ideas are allowed to feel normal and justified.

I tend to pride myself on being able to create things based on an oppositional conception of what is mainstream: ideals, tropes, methods and damn-near everything. I like to take a phenomenon, an event or a thought, and spin it around; admire it from all angles and then do something that feels right and aligns with how I’ve understood it and wish to portray it.

The issue arises at this immaterial juncture when I don’t have the bounce-back of various walls to take the speed out of my kickball. When something ‘anti’ enters my head, there is a chorus of yes men ready to plump and fluff the idea and make it seem wholly palatable.

I didn’t want to redo the post with a softer touch.

At the risk of alienating good, hard-working and genuine people in my audience, I feel as though the opinions that I shared, under sober reflection, aren’t worth sharing. They really weren’t constructive, sounded angry and offered little progressive insight. They were less satire and closer to maligned criticism.

The part that I think hit me the hardest was that I do not wish to push away any people that have supported me. However, I feel torn. On the one hand, that shit came from my brain and was how I truly felt. That is the soul of what this section is: an uncensored version of the YouTube channel, and how I feel when I’m not hiding behind characters as speech modulators and soap boxes. On the other side, would it have come out with so much venom if I’d had the chance to be around better people than I, and had the opportunity to discuss the things that bothered me and then dialectically reason the thoughts into a more suitable shape for transmission?

I want, nay, have to be me. But, this craft requires an audience. The stories that I tell come first, then whatever I say or feel second. FPP isn’t about knee-jerk piss and moans, it’s about getting closer to the people that read my work and forging an intimate bond with them. I can’t do that if I’m offending the people that have been kind enough to follow me this far and enjoy what I create. It’s a tough choice.

Characters can be hyperbolic versions of my thoughts. I suppose that when I use this platform to illustrate my own sentiments, I shouldn’t use the guise of a character; I should merely show my own, and why it’s worth investing time in.

Lightning round

-The sense of frustration that I get from seeing people doing whatever to keep themselves occupied says little about them and more about me (us, if you’re the same).

-There is a sense of mental cabin fever; where things that may have irked you before, when you had your usual stress and energy outlets outlets, are becoming harbingers of a much more acute and passionate feeling of vexation

-I don’t know how to feel about seeing people ignoring the semi-official mandates.

-I’d previously gone at the crowds and with a ‘take no prisoners’ mentality. I think it’s important for me to remember that I can’t control others and how they make sense of the world, only how I do

-Additionally, if that’s what keeps their brains and emotions from not falling to tenebrous depths of woe and despondency, and they are exercising their rights in a safe way, dope: Stay breathing

-I’d previously spoken in a less than tasty tone about the way people have been occupying themselves, making light of the seemingly widespread adoption of a few activities. Shit like that’s funny to me when we’re all free to do whatever, whenever. But, if baking or living room workout live-feeds or whatever is keeping you together, that’s awesome, keep doing it

-If you’re sharing it, I hope that it helps whoever is watching. Maybe it even incentivizes them to make their own bread of bang out 1000 burpees. Whatever lets them manage their days in a better way.

-A friend of mine said that this will have a lasting impact on the world as we know it. I hope she’s right

-I feel foolish pushing a new book and a video channel at this time. Though, those were planned before this shit, I still feel like I’m trying to profit in a way.

-Equally foolish is the feeling that I’m being bothersome with nearly-daily business-centered posts. Even more so at a time when people might check their social media apps more. I swear, I don’t mean to be overly self-promotional, I am trying to build the business.

-That said, I have unplugged even more than usual. It wouldn’t surprise me if others have as well. The overload makes your dome spin.

-It was pointed out to me that the negative feelings that I have been harbouring against others for some things that they’ve been trendily doing on social media is exactly what my blogs and videos and posts represent. I have to agree, sort of.

-For me, the work comes before the self. If the work was successful as a standalone entity, I would retire into the shadows at once.

-If securing attention for my work means stepping out of my comfort zone and showing my mug, the so be it. I believe in my work that much.

-The writing and the stories are the only motivation. Which makes me feel all the more bent when I feel like any other person insisting to be heard for whatever reason.

-I should’ve invested in OnlyFans and its contemporaries. Methinks the stocks have gone sky-high

-I’d also previously mentioned that people who’d found themselves boozing too much probably lacked a passion or a hobby, even before this. It was brought to my attention that the ability to perform many hobbies and passions has been taken away.

-To that last point I do feel bad. There are creative ways to get around a lot of obstacles, but some may pose too large a financial or physical or even safety problem

-There are no greater or lesser hobbies and passions, they all depend on the person who does them

-What’s it going to be like after all this? Spring break or Sunday in a small, traditional French town?

-I’m happy that people are becoming increasingly creative in the way they are diffusing their pent-up energies. We’ll have an arts-and-crafts show-and-tell like kindergarten.

-I’ve often said that writing saved my life. It’s true. But what has been more useful at this time, on a personal level, has been limiting how much writing I allow myself to do and make sure to include other activities.

-I think that another thing this quarantine has done has shown all of us where our level of focus had been, what was most important. Whether it was on a thing, a person, a place, school, work, diversion; and if we were heading into this thing on a stable or unstable note.

-At any rate, reaching a feeling of normal is in and of itself an accomplishment. No one was prepared and no one saw it coming. Mostly.

-It differs from normal ‘alone-time’ because those are usually by choice, this was not an agreed upon premise.

-The fact that we didn’t individually do anything wrong makes it more frustrating and harder to figure out the proper steps

-Feel free to call me on my bullshit if you ever feel like I’m being a dick or if my tone sounds pompous, it’s the only way I’ll learn

-However you’ve made sense, or are making sense, of all this… Please give yourself some credit

-My objective is to be better and learn that everybody deals with things differently. Where one thrives may be quicksand to another. Everyone’s journey is different and it’s easy to judge. I am learning empathy like a real, human boy. It’s a slow go but I’m getting there.

Thanks for your time and I hope you stay alive. Don’t die. Work through whatever your feeling however you want and maintain a level of clarity in spite of all the forces that try to knock your space ship off course. Feel free to submit some work or holler if you need an ear. I’m a papa remember, time to earn that goddamn title.

Sorry for cussin’,

Papa Croft

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